Tips for Parents
Courtesy of Hamal Production, Inc.

By John G. Thomas

It's more true than ever before that, "Things aren't like they used to be." This brief guide is intended to give you the information you need to protect your children in a digital age.

For many of us, today's computer-connected world seems like a complicated maze designed to confuse and overwhelm us. For others, it's the best thing since sliced bread. Today's children don't know of a world without the Internet. Some have never seen a dial telephone! No more passing notes in the classroom for these kids - they text-message each other on their cell phones. But while the Internet revolution has enhanced our lives in so many ways, it's become a highly effective "open door" for sexual predators. As parents, we must monitor that door and regulate who we allow to come inside.

HOW IT BEGINS:

During several years as a consultant to a local Child Protective Services I had the opportunity to review literally thousands of cases involving child sexual abuse. I met the parents. I met the children. I met the children's social workers. I met the pedophiles. I met the detectives. I discovered that there was one connection between every case of child abuse I reviewed: Children need attention like a duck needs water. They are attention sponges - emotional vacuum cleaners! They crave love and attention from their parents, relatives, teachers and friends 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And this is where the problem begins. If children don't get their daily dose of love and attention, they'll keep looking for it until they find it.

Think of the Internet chat room as the 21st century equivalent of the playground, city park, shopping mall or other hangout. The chat rooms are extremely popular among teens everywhere. It's the place your child may go to chat with old friends or meet someone new. Unfortunately, these virtual meeting places are exactly where pedophiles "troll" for new victims. These predators can quickly connect with your son or daughter and supply them with whatever they need to fill an emotional void.

As a part of the "grooming" process, they say things that will please and compliment your child. Unknown to you, the pedophile becomes an important part of your child's life - someone who uses flattery to polish your child's self-image and boost their self-esteem. Gradually, the pedophile turns to the subject of sex. The "right" answers yield praise and the wrong replies yield silence. Eventually, a meeting time and place is agreed upon.

THE LAW:

Do you realize that there is no law anywhere in the United States which prevents a stranger from communicating with your child - without your permission?

Many parents, including myself, assume that our local police are out there on the streets protecting our kids. Nothing could be further from the truth! Police can only arrest adults accused of having had sex with children. Yes, detectives are beginning to monitor chat rooms (as in "Hamal_18"), but with nearly 30,000 chat rooms and growing, the odds are not on their side. The FBI can do little because these crimes must be prosecuted locally. What this really means is that by the time the police show up it's probably too late.

The bottom line is this: As parents, we must assume 100% responsibility for shielding our children from sexual predators in Internet chat rooms. If we don't do it nobody else will. So, resolve now to take positive action and do whatever is necessary. Otherwise, you're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

The good news is that there's a LOT you can do. Even if you're a computer novice there is SO much you can do to protect your children on the Internet. It doesn't cost a penny and everything you learn here can be very effective. Here's what to look for:

Behavior: There are certain changes in behavior which you should be aware of - especially if you suspect that your son or daughter is spending a little too much time online:

1. Does your child attempt to cover the monitor screen or quickly close an open browser window when you suddenly enter their room?
2. Do they over react when you enter the room while they're online, but remain relaxed otherwise?
3. Do they leave their communications with others visible on the computer screen when they leave their room, or do they close everything down for privacy?
4. Are they staying up much later than usual?
5. Do they instantly jump on the computer when they get home from school?
6. Do they prefer staying on the computer and shun family outings?
7. Have they lost interest in previously enjoyable school-related or extracurricular activities?
8. Do you get an angry reaction when you mention the subject of chat rooms and pedophiles?
9. Any kind of unusual behavior or change in habits which are related to computer usage?

Talk About it: It goes without saying that our children already know everything there is to know about anything in the Universe! But you must talk with your kids about the problem and how dangerous it can be. If they're over 12, or even a mature 10 years old, show them "Hamal_18" and discuss the film afterwards.

What do they do when they encounter a stranger in a chat room? (And you know they have!) What are their thoughts about the problem? What do their friends say?

But what do you do when you want to discuss the subject and they refuse to join in?

I've discovered that it's sometimes easier to broach the subject of chat room safety with your child's friends. They're probably in the same chat rooms with them and you'd be surprised at how easy it is to strike up a conversation with them. You'll find that once they start talking about it your own son or daughter will join in. (Worked for me!) Then, encourage them to discuss the issue among their friends and other parents and teachers.

A good rule-of-thumb is to never reveal personal information (i.e.; phone number, address, real name, age or sex), to anyone in a chat room. Why? Because they never know if someone else is "lurking." (Lurking means that someone can monitor everything in a chat room without anyone knowing they are there.) Any of your child's real friends will already know the private information.

A common trick of pedophiles is to use a screen name designed to mask their true identity and intentions. Just because someone's screen name, or handle is "Heavensent," doesn't mean they are really a girl. "SurfKid," may not be a teenage boy. As mentioned in the film, "You never know who you're really talking to."

Use the Megan's Database: This is THE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL there is in terms of child protection. Megan's Law is a federal law passed in 1996 that authorizes local law enforcement agencies to notify the public about convicted sex offenders living, working or visiting their communities. Megan's Law was inspired by the case of seven-year-old Megan Kanka, a New Jersey girl who was raped and killed by a known child molester who moved across the street from the family.

Because the Internet addresses for most states are long and complicated, the easiest way to access the database for your state is to go to this address: http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/states.htm Click on "Megan's Law," and then scroll to the bottom of the next page where you'll see a listing of every state in the U.S.

Once you've located the database for your own state, use your own zip code as the main search criteria. I guarantee that you'll be shocked when you discover how many convicted sex criminals live near you and your family!

Now, the next step. Using this information from the database, find the location of every known sex criminal living near you on a map. Then, determine which ones are between your home and your child's school, shopping mall, friends house, local park, etc. Also, find the locations of sex offenders which live very close to you (say, 3-5 blocks), but are not on a typical route your children will often travel.

With this critically important information in hand, your next step is to put your kids in your car (or walk), and SHOW them where the threat is. TELL your children about the dangers associated with the person who lives inside that house or apartment. Before you know it, your kids will begin to tell all their friends too.

Think about this: You've not only taken a real, positive step toward protecting your own children from sex criminals, but other children too. Not bad for a few minutes of your time. Who knows, you may help save a child's life!

THE COMPUTER:

Location: If there's just one Internet-connected computer in your home, avoid placing it in your child's bedroom where it will be difficult to observe. Favor a more public area "where everyone can use it."

Usage: Set limits on when the computer can be used just as you would enforce an evening curfew on a school night. Of course you're sure to hear, "But I need it for my homework!" Yes, computers can be great with all kinds of homework, but not at 11:00PM!

Spy Software: This is personal decision which means you have to make a choice between your child's safety and their right to privacy. You must consider what might happen if your child discovers that you're spying on them. But I can offer you a suggestion: If you have good reason to suspect your child's in danger, install the spy software or "key logger." If not, read on.

The "Secret" Key Strokes: Knowledge is power! Whether you're a computer expert or a novice, there are a few neat tricks that are so easy to learn.

Although there are actually several ways to enter a chat room, many kids prefer to use an Internet browser like Internet Explorer or Netscape (on AOL). Look for these logos at the top, left corner of the computer screen. These two programs account for more than 90% of the browser market share - so there's a good chance your child is using one of them. When either of these programs are open simply hold down the Ctrl key while you press the H key. This will automatically display a detailed history of every Internet location your child has recently been to.

Starting at the top, click once on each line and view the places last visited by your child. (If nothing happens, click on the entry below and a specific "nested," web page will open.) This will be the actual website your child last visited. Closely examine each site. Here's what to look for:

1. Are there numerous entries for one website over a period of several weeks? (In Internet Explorer you can select "By Most Visited" from the drop down "View" menu. The name listed at the top is the website visited the most.)
2. Do you spot the word "sex," or any other suspicious terms in the history list?
3. Does any listing begin with the letters "alt" (meaning alternate, a kind of site where pornography is often displayed)?
4. Are there any listings with the word "login" as part of the description? Although not necessarily a bad sign, it does indicate a site you can't view without knowing your child's password(s).
5. The letters "IRC" in a line (meaning Internet Relay Chat), indicate that your child has been to at least one site specifically to chat and nothing else. (IRC chat rooms are not run or maintained by any particular company.)

However, if your child is a frequent computer user and the list is empty (or has just a few entries), you should be concerned. Anyone who deliberately erases the browser's history may have something to hide.

The above information concerns what are known as web-based chat rooms. Many are hosted and run by well-known companies like MSN, Yahoo and Google. Some of these chat rooms are "moderated," (that is, a person has been selected to enforce rules and prevent abuse). However, you MUST NOT assume that a moderated chat room is a "safe chat room." No moderator can be expected to review thousands of messages. As always, YOU must be your own moderator for chat room safety.

INSTANT MESSENGER:

Internet Messenger, or "IM" allows real-time communication between users. This extremely popular technology provides an easy way of sending short written messages to a few friends online at the same time. IM also allows voice chat, webcams, and file and picture exchange. It can also be used with cell phones, and hand-held devices such as personal digital assistants, or "PDA's." Most popular is AOL's Instant Messenger, but there are others including Yahoo's Messenger and MSN's Messenger.

Unfortunately, the software requires users to register and provide a certain amount of personal information. For example, email address, personal websites, age, gender and location etc. This information may be transferred automatically to a "member directory" or a public "profile," which can be visible to other users and is sometimes shared with chat systems.

Sexual predators love IM because:

• -- They can operate in an environment of relative anonymity.
• -- Able to contact children by using member directories and profiles.
• -- Can move conversations from a public area to a private one-on-one conversation.
• -- They're always able contact a child because they know when a child is online.
• -- They can easily send sexually-related images.

Here's a few tips to help you protect your children when they're using AOL's Instant Messenger:

1. Open AOL Instant Messenger's Preferences screen.
2. Select Privacy from the list of options.
3. You will see an area at the bottom of the IM box which is titled: Allow users who know my email address to find…
4. Select Nothing about me.
5. Now, select Talk from the preferences list of other options.
6. In the box labeled, When others want to talk with you, select Don't Allow.

Although the above is mainly for AOL's Instant Messenger, you'll find that the other programs provide similar protective settings. In addition, there are a few other settings which can be selected to afford even more protection - just look around those menus. There are also several low-cost 3rd party programs available which will keep a record or log, of all the conversations in an IM program.

You now know just how your children can become victims of sexual abuse. But you also have the knowledge to prevent it from happening. I encourage you and your children to view "Hamal_18" so your whole family understands the danger.

Remember that YOU are the only one who can really protect YOUR kids.